BonnieGayle/Buttercup
[email protected]
http://members.tripod.com/xtrordinaryxfiles/index.html
12/27/99
Kappa
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CLASSIFICATION: I'm creating a new catagory: Karin POV, Post-ep, Angst, UST of a sort CHARACTER DEATH not Mulder or Scully.
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RATING: Let's see here, no sex, no bad language, there is death but it's not graphic...can I squeak by with a PG? Maybe PG-13.
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SUMMARY: Why did Karin make the choice she did in the end?
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KEYWORDS:A, UST, Post-ep
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DISCLAIMER: (Most people try to have fun with this, but personally I just skip it when I'm looking at other sites, so...) The X-Files and everything else related to it belong to Chris Carter, Fox, 1013, David, Gillian, various others, and the BIG BAD WOLVES...umm lawyers! I don't own them, I just borrow them for a while, but I'll try to return them in better shape then I got 'em:>) But if I did own them, not only would I be richer than I deserve to be, this UST mumbo-jumbo would be a bad memory! Good Enough belongs to Sarah McLachlan and all associated, you can't sue me, Fear is one of my favorite songs!
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SPOILERS: Alpha would be definitely spoiled. Nothing else though.
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DEDICATIONS: After the story.
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ARCHIVE: Sure just keep my name, e-mail addy, and website. You can delete the extraordinarily long acknowledgments if you want to:)
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FEEDBACK: Yes please. I'll beg if necessary:)
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Kappa
So just let me try, I will be good to you
Just let me try and I will be there for you
I'll show you why you're so much more than good enough
Sarah McLachlan, Good Enough
As I walk through my kennels, my mind is in turmoil. I know what my goal is, but there are two ways to reach it. Either way....
"It's Karin," I whisper as I walk slowly down the hall. Surrounded on both sides by the best of friends.
"It's time to sleep now," I murmur calmingly to an overexcited pup.
"Good night," I call as I reach the exit. My hand is on the knob, but I still feel the need to call out. "Or good bye."
As I reach fresh, mind clearing air, my thoughts turns to Fox. Poor gullible Fox. So ready to believe. So ready to trust. So wrong. I feel bad that I betrayed that easy trust, but in equal measure I feel justified. Because, in my mind at least, I had only the best intentions in the beginning, the best reason to invite him: he could help with this case. And it's true. But silly emotion clouded my judgment, I will admit. I wanted to meet him. I wanted him to meet me. Because even though he had a problem in not owning a dog, I knew that he would be kind and not callous like 100% of the men I'd met before. He wouldn't take one look at me and run.
But when he got here, I knew that I didn't stand a chance because Fox had lied to *me*. He was in love and he didn't bother telling me. I'm good at reading body language from communicating with the dogs. And from that, I could tell that what Fox and that Red Haired Vixen he calls a partner have going on is something that no one can even try to compete with.
I reach my office and head straight for my tranquilizer gun. After grabbing it, I decide to sit down. As I bask in silence after the noise of my friends in the kennel, my conscience begins yelling at me. 'What do you think you're doing? You've never harmed an animal in your life!' There's nothing I can say. It's true. It's been quite a day for me. I hurt a person emotionally, and I'm going to hurt an animal physically. Both are firsts for me. And lasts.
The phone rings and I jump, my ears trained on every sound. It's Fox. I let his voice wash over me before hanging up.
I know what to do now and I'm filled with a kind of sadness that comes once in a lifetime. The sadness that happens to you when you realize that your one and only chance at any kind of happiness is beyond your grasp, and once it's gone, that chance won't come again. A strong person would muddle through life after that. Continue on without happiness even though life is just a farce now.
I've never been a strong person. That's why I've locked myself away with my Dogs. I'm not strong enough to face the laughter and ridicule of my fellow man.
I know what to do now, what I've been contemplating doing ever since I talked to Mulder and told him another lie to save him. Truthfully, to keep him from saving me. I sent him to the hospital knowing that Detweiler wouldn't show up there and at the same time, sent myself to death.
Before I can act, I hear the sound of nails scrabbling on wood floor. In fear, I reflexively point my gun at the Wolf, spit dripping from its razor sharp fangs, but then I sit it down.
I can see this confuses Detweiler. He has enough control over his animal instincts to pause. 'Hurry or my resolve will be gone and I'll take the weak way out,' I cry silently.
"Come on Dog. Come on. Come on."
And then in a flash I see the white of teeth and then a pain in my neck so searing, so painfully incomprehensible, that after the first instant, it's gone, and I'm filled with blessed numbness again.
I feel a crash and then free fall, amazing flight that lasts forever and a second at the same time. A million thoughts flash through my head. Fox's expression; shocked by the look of me. Dana fiercely protecting him from me, *from me*, like a mother wolf. Detweiler being blamed, but who's as much at blame for having his disease as I am for mine.
Foolish, the both of us. Both of us wanting something that, deep down, we knew we couldn't have. Detweiler wanting his rare wolf that would bring him fame and fortune, and me, simply wanting someone to love me. How dearly we're paying for simple, human, foolishness.
And then the ground comes up to meet us. I look over to see the amazing sight of the wolf's body turning back into Detweiler's naked one. A human in wolf's clothing no more. A human in no clothing anymore, his foolishness exposed. And I'm feeling just as exposed. I wonder if anyone will figure my reasoning. Oddly enough, I think Dana will.
I remember through the encroaching fog a quote from long ago and far away: if there are no dogs in heaven I shall not go.
There's a smile on my face.
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In no particular order, this story is dedicated to: Tiffany, the best friend I've ever had and just a fantastic individual, Bryn, for being as outspoken as me in Creative Writing which is a difficult task indeed, Kacey, for being besotted with a married man along with me, hey Kacey, rape, pillage, and burn:) Mum and Dud...what can I say? Can thank you suffice? Now that's just pathetic! Miss Buttercup, the best listener, cuddler, and surogate baby in the world, and for the last time, you aren't a human, you're a Miniature Schnauzer-sheesh! Sarah McLachlan, for saying the words for both of us, and beautifully at that
Shall we go back to the fanfic?