A Conversation With A View
        Bonnie Gayle Hood
        [email protected]
        http://members.tripod.com/xtrordinaryxfiles/index.html
        4/17/99
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        CLASSIFICATION: H, V, UST (of course), Scully POV
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        RATING: G sounds so wimpy, so DAMN...PG :>)
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        SUMMARY: Post-ep for Drive, Mulder is bummed and Scully tries to cheer him as they stand looking at the ocean which leads to a LONG needed conversation
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        KEYWORDS:Sorta Funny, Vignette, Mulder/Scully Unresolved-Sexual-Tension, Scully POV
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        DISCLAIMERS: (Most writers try to have fun with this but I personally just skip it when I'm reading, so...) Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter, Fox, 1013, David, and Gillian, various others, and the BIG BAD WOLVES...umm lawyers! I don't own em, I just steal, but I will return them and I'll try to return them in better shape then I got 'em:>)
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        SPOILERS: Umm, uhh, Well Drive obviously, Redux 2 is vaguely mentioned, and it would help if you knew The X-Files to get some of the jokes, you should also know that they are off the x-files while this ep is going on ...but other than that...nah
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        ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: A ton of 'em after the story.
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        ARCHIVE: Sure just keep my name, e-mail address, and website. You can delete the extrordinarily long acknowledgments if you want to.
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        FEEDBACK: Hey, a girl can dream can't she? If you would like to, I will love you forever, good OR bad feedback I can take it, I've had worse tha you can dish out, trust me!
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        NOTE: The title was used in desperation. It was going to be called Defeat but since the story ends on a happy note and I hope you'll find it humorous, I didn't want the general tone to sound ANGST so, I love the story A Room With A View, and since they are watching the ocean...be sure to catch the quote from the book after the story. I always love the quotes 2nd best, they give a true insite into the writer (of course the story is 1st best) If you like the quote, there's a very good movie with Helena Bonham Carter beofore she was known in America.
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        So with no further ado, let's get on with the show!

        A Conversation With A View

        I know something is wrong when I see the car coming so slowly, but I run to it just the same. I wince as I see the splatter of blood on the back window. 'Poor Mulder,' is the 1st thought in my head. Then he gets out of the car. Looking so defeated, so tired. When I see him take off his tie and crumple it in his hand, my first thought as his partner, his friend, is that he needs someone to vent to.
        I slowly walk up to him and we stand together staring out at the ocean. We stay this way, next to each other, yet not touching, for a long time until he finally sighs and looks over at me, his whole posture cries defeat.

        "I really tried," he mutters more to himself.

        "You did. You did more than anyone else would have done." I say honestly.

        "Above and beyond the line of duty," he mocks himself, "and I still fail. He wasn't a criminal. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. He just tried to save his wife." He pauses and looks down. "You better keep that needle away from me." He glances over to the needle I'm still holding in my nerveless hand. "I still might put it to use."

        I place it on top of the car. "No. If you do that again, run off like that, no matter who the person is, I'm going to put that needle to good use. You scared 10 years off my life."

        "Oh Scully, I didn't know you cared so much. Anymore warm fuzzies like that and I'm going to cry. Attempted murder is so loving." His voice is gaggingly saccharine, but when I look into his eyes, behind the humor, I see an unanswered question that will remain unanswered as long as he scares me like this. Besides this isn't exactly the most romantic situation: men putting a corpse with a 1/2 caved in head into an ambulance, everyone splattered with blood, me seething. I decide that's for a later date and change the subject.

        "You know, there was only a miniscule chance that the needle would have worked. I would have his death on my shoulders right now. I wouldn't mind shouldering some of the blame though, you take too much on yourself."

        "But it was me. I was pleading with him to stop. We were so close, a few feet away at the most. He just kept banging his head on the window, I got up over 100 miles per hour, but he just screamed. And then...." His eyes are so desolate, so full of pain. I take him in my arms but he only allows the comfort I offer for a second and then, with a shake of his head, pulls away. "How do you put up with me Scully? That's what I want to know most of all. I'm such a pain, such a burden to you." He just seems so hurt. The hurt is always there, but this has brought the whole seething mass to the surface.

        "Mulder, Mulder. Don't blame yourself. This isn't your fault. He would have died so much earlier if you hadn't have gone west with him. Think of all you did. You didn't have to do any of it. You could have handed him over at the barricade. You drove pel mel through a busy intersection, you stole a car, you evaded the police, you drove for hours."

        "I didn't pee. I had to pee," he jokes.

        "Had to?" I joke back.

        "Still do." His first grin, although wan.

        "You really, really tried. That's what I admire the most about you."

        "Not my boyish good looks? I really thought that was it," he cuts in again.

        "Well this too. You just go for it 100% if you want something, if you believe in something, I pity the person who stands between you and your goal." His grin fades as I say this and he doesn't respond.

        "Mulder?"

        "That's not always the case."

        I know what he means. He doesn't have to say it. "You were only a boy. And you froze. You couldn't move. I believe that. I believe you would have grabbed onto her so tight, you would have saved her if you had the chance."

        His eyes thank me for believing even when he can't. "Maybe we should change that poster to DANA FINALLY BELIEVES."

        "Not so quick there Buster. I believe in you. Not little green," I hold up my hand with a smile before he can correct me, "gray men."

        "It's been how long now, 6 years? And you still are an unbeliever? After all that you've seen," his voice falls with what I can tell is memories of the dark time I like to call 'The Cancer Period', "experienced? Remind me never to become an actor. If I can't convince you,I guess I'm not convincing enough."

        "Oh well, I wouldn't be the Scully you know and love if I believed would I? Kersh would need to hire someone else to debunk both of us!" This has him laughing quietly. I'm really starting to feel good about my skills as 'Ms. Pick Me Up.'

        "Nah, three's a crowd." His smile fades as his mind goes back to the subject at hand. "Have you ever felt, Scully, like you try everything and you still fail, like nothing's in your hands. He was just going to die no matter what. No matter how much I tried to keep him alive his number had already been called. That's kind of frustrating, that feeling of nothing being in your control."

        I think about this for a minute since I see it's important to him. "Maybe I do. When I had cancer I just had the feeling that no matter what treatment I pursued, no matter how radical, chip or no chip, it was just meant to be. When I finally said I was sorry to Mom, when I said good-bye to you, when I saw Father McCue, I had just given up fighting what was out of my control and accepted it, accepted death."

        Mulder reaches over and takes my hand. We've switched from me to him being the comforter without my even noticing it. That's so Mulder, even if he's so depressed, he still has enough room to shoulder my pain, to make it his. I want to help him, not the reverse.

        "I never gave up. I fought for you, even though some people just wanted me to leave." His voice is a mere rumble.

        "I appreciate that more than I've ever said. Mulder, are you still blaming yourself?" He frowns at me trying to figure out whether I mean the cancer or more recent events. "Yes." I don't know which he's referring to, but knowing Mulder, it's probably both.

        I sigh. So much for 'Ms. Pick Me Up'. "I do think that you have control over what is in your hands at the time and you just have to live with the rest. You aren't Man of Steel. You're human, and humans aren't perfect, not even close."

        "No, no. I don't agree. FBI isn't a Superhero job; it's 'more than the average bear' at most. You try to juggle 80 balls, sometimes you lose one, but you still have to try, you have to keep going, not just give up, drop them all and say, 'Oh well, I'm just human.' My job Scully is to take things into my hands. Try to save lost causes. That's what we deal with daily."

        "Manure? I'm not sure I want to take that into my hands." I fake misunderstanding, knowing what he's talking about, but knowing that's an entirely different can of worms.

        "You know I'm talking about The X-Files. This is temporary. This isn't my job."

        "Mulder it is."

        "I can't and won't believe that." His voice holds solid conviction.

        "Well, do you think that this is going to help? Running off to pursue X-Files without permission? Kersh is just going to say 'Good job. You impress me. Here's The X-Files back." I roll my eyes at him.

        Mulder smiles at me, fully this time. "Kersh is going to kill us."

        I laugh sarcastically. "This is what finally has you smiling? You really are spooky, Mulder. I'm going to nickname you 'Masochist-Mulder'."

        "Oh Scully, how did you guess? Those handcuffs of yours always give a thrill! And that 'against the wall and spread 'em' in that controlling voice? Chills down my spine!" His eyes are dancing; he just loves playing with me.

        "Mulder, what am I going to do with you? No, I know." My voice takes on a tone of conviction.

        He suddenly gets worried, "Scully I was just kidding, I don't really enjoy that kind of stuff!"

        I start laughing so hard I practically split a gut, he just looks even more worried at my convulsive laughter. "Oh yea of little faith! I'm going to get you to the nearest bathroom."

        Mulder literally starts chortling. "Oh Scully, now you're talking my language. Come on what are you waiting for?" And with that he nearly drags me back to the car in his impatience. 1/2 way there though, he stops and pulls me into a tight hug.

        "Thank you. I was pretty dark there for a moment. But however you put up with me, I can't tell you how much it means to me. We'll get through this together, whatever it happens to be. Kersh, manure, the entire Syndicate even, and come out fighting, hand in hand on the other side because we're a team. In a silly way, I think we're meant to be, now matter how much I believed you only wanted to debunk me in the beginning, we're Mulder and Scully partners in crime."

        He leans forward and kisses my forehead. And for a second the hustle and bustle still surrounding us melds into nothing more than white noise. For a second I'm seriously contemplating next steps. But Mulder, who's completely unknowing, slowly pulls free and starts running, dragging me by the hand behind him.
        "Hurry Scully, I really gotta go!"

        With a sigh I race off after him, this is definitely going to be continued another time, soon. "Okay Mulder, okay."

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        There is more to a journey than the mere fact of arrival~~E.B.White
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        The Trick Is To Keep Breathing~~Garbage
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        He gave her a sense of deities reconciled, a feeling that, in gaining the man she loved, she would gain something for the whole world. Throughout the sqaualor of her homeward drive-she spoke at once-his salutations remained. He had robbed the body of it's taint, the world's taunts of their sting; he had shown her the holiness of direct desire. She "never exactly understood," she would say in after years, "how he managed to strengthen her. It was as if he made her see the whole of everything at once."~~E.M. Forster~~A Room With A View
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        ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Oy, this is where I get to ramblin' so if you're the impatient type you can just skip it. There's nothing important...are you still here? Okay, e-mail me for 1 million bucks! Just kidding :>) Instead of thanking everyone I ever met, and one I sadly never will, I just want to thank one person: Suzie my best friend. I finally did it! I finally recruted her to watch the X-Files...well, she saw Drive and HATED it! She came to me the next day and whined, "there was NO closure, he died, Mulder gets out of the car and roll credits! I'm never watching that show again!" Well, I had to agree...not about the never watching it again part, but, no closure is WONDERFUL for fan fic writers, it just gets those creative juices flowing and anything can happen...so Suzie, even though I doubt you'll read this, this one's for you!
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