BonnieGayle
e-mail: [email protected]
web site: http://members.tripod.com/xtrordinaryxfiles/index.html
The Seeker: 1/1
Rating: PG
Classification: Post ep, Mulder POV, Angst, UST
Summary: Mulder's thoughts during the end of Requiem, as he makes an important decision.
Spoilers: Triangle, Millennium, Requiem. The movie is briefly mentioned.
Disclaimer: (Most people try to have fun with this, but personally I just skip it when I'm looking at other sites, so...) The X-Files and everything else related to it belong to Chris Carter, Fox, 1013, David, Gillian, various others, and the BIG BAD WOLVES...um lawyers! I don't own them, I just borrow them for a while, but I'll try to return them in better shape then I got 'em:>) But if I did own them, not only would I be richer than I deserve to be, this UST mumbo-jumbo would be a bad memory!
Feedback: Yes please. I'll beg if necessary:)
The Seeker
______________________
I'm looking for me
You're looking for you
We're looking at each other and we don't know what to do
They call me the seeker
I've been searching low and high
~The Who
_______________________
At first, all I see is a bright light. Once my eyes adjust to the blinding light, the same as your eyes adjust to the dark, I can see more clearly. There are people standing in a circle. There are people I know. They don't seem angry or defiant. They're smiling. They want to go wherever this light takes them.
A voice suddenly sounds in my head *We are not forcing you Fox Mulder. We know this is what you want. You can go with us and learn all you have ever wanted to know. Or you can stay. But choose now.*
Isn't this typical? The $50,000 question here, and all I can think about it Scully.
Her name has always been first on my lips when there is danger. And now, she is the first thing that I think about.
I want to have proof for her. I want to prove that aliens do exist. I want her to believe me beyond a doubt. I know she thinks that I'm a has-been: skating along on the honor of my former glory. I want that to change. This has been my search since I found Samantha. And here's my chance. Here's my proof. Irrefutable as can be. I'd like to see you shoot holes through this, like you so easily do to everything else that I show you, Scully. I'd like to see you file it away, and forget the proof, like you do with every other X-File.
There's no doubt. No question in my mind that if we had a real and true relationship, there would be no way I would go. That's how much I love her. That's how much she means to me. She is my holy grail.
But, we don't have anything more than a working partnership. No matter how hard I have pushed the boundaries, she has always pushed me back. There was 2 times in particular that I put my neck on the line, and her rejection caused major scars.
The first time was when I came back from the Bermuda Triangle. No matter how much she thought that I was drugged, and that was my only reason for finally putting into words what is so obvious...so damn obvious...I know that it was the truth. That I was fully aware of what I said. To me, that was one of the closest times I came to death, having that gun pointed at me on the ship, one of the closest times I came to never seeing Scully again. Hell, to never seeing anything again! It made me think. It made me realize that no matter what, no matter whether she didn't love me, or she would run as far away as possible, I realized that I wanted her to know that I love her. No matter what, Scully. I've been the cause of everything bad in her life, but I've loved her through it....That doesn't sound right. What I mean is, despite what I've taken away from her, I wanted to give her the knowledge. The without a doubt proof of my feelings. So if anything ever happened, if she ever left, she could know that at least I loved her. Leave it to Scully, the scientist, the non-believer, to not believe the most honest thing I've ever told her.
The second time was the time that I actually kissed her. Not the time that I almost kissed her, the actual kiss. The kiss on the lips, the kiss...I still can't believe it. But it didn't end with a kiss. I felt brave. I felt...on top of the world. So I asked her back to my apartment. I asked her to take the next step because I loved her, and I thought that she loved me. She told me no. She told me she wasn't ready yet for our relationship to be more than partners. That so much was changing: her beliefs, her thought processes, she wanted this to stay the same. Need I say that hurt? Yeah. Okay. It hurt--
*Fox Mulder. We have decided that this pause means that you are having doubts, and our studies show that doubt leads to 95% of all of the no's we get.*
I think for a second, and then make the move. I stick my hand into the bright light and realize there's no going back. This is it. I jumped feet first into everything, there's no reason why I shouldn't jump feet first into this.
As I walk to the group, my last thoughts are of Scully. Fitting, right?
I'll be back. And with me I'll bring proof that even you can't deny. And with me I'll bring a whole me. A me that will be ready for a new life with you. A life that doesn't center around a fruitless pursuit. They say third time's the charm, and I hope they are right. I hope that the third time I push, you don't push back. We can travel the world. We can be bums on the beach for the rest of our lives. Hell, we can live in a house with a white picket fence for all I care. All I care is that I spend the rest of my life with you.
Wait for me. Be safe. Be strong. I'll be back before you know it. I love you. Good bye.