BonnieGayle/Buttercup
e-mail: [email protected]
web site: http://members.tripod.com/xtrordinaryxfiles/index.html
6/12/99
Desperation: 1/1
Rating: NC-17 for sexual situations and bad language
Classification: Angst, Story, MSR, Mulder POV
Summary: Scully's time is running out, what would Mulder and Scully do on their last day together?
Disclaimer: (Most people try to have fun with this, but personally I just skip it when I'm looking at other sites, so...) The X-Files and everything else related to it belong to Chris Carter, Fox, 1013, David, Gillian, various others, and the BIG BAD WOLVES...um lawyers! I don't own them, I just borrow them for a while, but I'll try to return them in better shape then I got 'em:>) But if I did own them, not only would I be richer than I deserve to be, this UST mumbo-jumbo would be a bad memory!
Spoilers: The Scully mythology episodes, in particular, Redux/2. Emily is briefly mentioned.
Feedback: Yes please. I'll beg if necessary:)
Note: Heh. Here's the deal: I wrote this and I liked it. Then I started thinking about Scully's chip. And then I got confused. What I THINK the chip storyline is: Scully's chip makes her be abducted, she takes her chip out and she has cancer. Is that right? Because if that's right, that means that Scully is being abducted now and will continue to be for the rest of her life. Poor Scully:( Anyway, my story doesn't make sense in that respect since I figured that out. Just read the story and don't be too critical about the chip part. Hey, this is no bigger of a mistake than Mulder saying 'I'm not a Psychologist':)
To: Mom, Dad, Tiffany, Miss Buttercup, Bryn, and Kacey. Thank you for it all!
Desperation
I like it with her on top. Her hair brushes my chest feather light, setting me on fire. And when I touch her, being the catholic girl she is, she covers her face with her hair so she can hide her emotions. What I love the most is when her hair gets in the way and she snaps back her head. I watch in awe as her fire-hair flashes back like a flame.
"In me. Now. I want you. Please. Please," she gasps. She lowers her hips quickly and with a jab, I'm in her.
I moan and close my eyes. 'No,' I mouth.
"Yes. Please. Now. There isn't much time." She whispers this brokenly and I feel wet-heat drip on my chest.
I open my eyes and search hers deeply. Pleadingly.
"There isn't much time." She repeats this. It's a good thing I'm close enough to read her lips because she's so choked up she's barely, barely audible.
I reach a decision. I grab her shoulders and pull her down into a quick bruising hug as I roll her onto her back and wrap her legs around my waist in one movement.
My tears are now dripping down onto her chest to mingle and mix with her own.
Scuuullly. Okay. Okay. It's okay." I pull her name out on a sigh as I begin kissing her cheeks, licking away her tears.
"Now. Now. Please. Oh God please Mulder. Please. Now." She tightens her legs and pulls me deeper into her.
"Okay. Scully!" It's a moan and groan and sigh and shriek all mixed into the sinfully delicious sound of her surname.
I begin pistoning into and out of her quickly. Furiously.
Desperately.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Desperate. That's exactly what this whole thing is. I didn't want our first time to be out of desperation. Our first, middle, and last time all rolled into one.
When she showed up at my door sobbing, I knew something was wrong. I pulled her into my house and into my arms. My hand reached up to wrap around the back of her neck to pull her head to my shoulder. I gasped and yanked back my hand to stare at it in shock.
It was covered in blood.
I spun her around and lifted up her hair. Her neck was a bloody mess. I felt through the blood to find that the skin was hanging open. Cut roughly. The chip gone.
I roared and spun her around to face me. A roar of pain, shock, anger, confusion. A battle cry.
Who did this to you Scully? Who? I'll kill the bastard with my own hands. So help me God I will!" I couldn't help yelling. I just couldn't.
Her mouth snapped open and shut a few times through the still continuing sobs like one of my fish's. She finally gave up trying to talk and pulled away from me. She jabbed herself violently with one finger in the chest a few times.
I stared at her in shock. Speechless.
"No! No! Why? Why the fuck did you do it Scully? Oh my God! Are you crazy? I don't have another chip. I don't have a card to get another. Are you fucking nuts? Why?" I couldn't help what I said. I just couldn't. You see, I think I died a little right then.
Her sobbing became hysterical as her shoulders bounced and her chin practically rammed into her chest with every breath.
I cringe as I remember I took her shoulders in my hands and shook her. Her head snapped back and forth like her neck was made of rubber as I yelled into her face.
"I don't understand. What reason could you have? What? What? I need you to explain. Please tell me."
Her sobs finally abated but the tears continued to roll down her cheeks. She began speaking in a rusty voice.
"It was me but it wasn't. I didn't have control. I watched myself. I walked to the kitchen, took out a butter knife and began sawing at my neck. I couldn't even feel the pain. I found the chip and smashed it beneath my heel."
I pulled her to me and rocked her with her face pressed against my chest. "Oh Scully. Oh Scully."
She began pushing against me. I let her go.
"It'll be okay. It will." I murmured mindlessly.
"That's not all," her voice gave and she began sobbing again.
"What? What? Just tell me. We'll work through it, whatever it is, together." I truly didn't think it could get any worse. I was wrong.
"I've been feeling...it's what Cassandra talked about...it's the pull. The draw. I'm feeling it. It's abduction time again."
I stared at her for an uncomprehending moment and then it hit me. Hard. "No. No please. Please God. Oh God. Oh Scully. Oh please. Oh no." You see; I died a lot right then.
She grabbed my face between her hands to make sure I was looking her in the eye. "Yes."
Suddenly my knees gave and I crumpled into a heap on the floor.
She quickly followed me down. Running her fingers through my hair. Murmuring reassuring words. Rocking me like a Mother would.
"Mulder. Mulder. It'll be okay. It will. It will."
"No. It will not," I spat at her, "don't say it will. Just don't."
She climbed into my lap and rested her head on my shoulder. We stayed this way for a long time.
When I finally calmed down I led her into the bathroom and cleaned up and bandaged the back of her neck. Then of one mind, we walked to the living room and curled up together on my couch. Needing the warmth and comfort desperately.
"What will happen?" I asked this even knowing she didn't know either, but needing desperately to know.
She shook her head wordlessly against my chest.
"What scares you the most?" I didn't need to ask if she was scared,
that was obvious.
"Not knowing. When for one thing. Why for another. Why? Why? God, I want to know that so badly. What will happen? Will the scarfaces come again like last time and will I get lucky this time or will I be burned? How long will I stay? Will I come back? If I do what will be missing from me this time? What babies that don't have a true chance of living will be created? Will I get cancer again? Do I have cancer already? Will you be okay?"
As she faded away I wanted to kill whatever was left of me right then and there. I barely opened my mouth before she jumped up.
"No. Don't. Do not say you're sorry. Don't be. It's me. It's my choice. It was my choice to stay every day. I don't remember you tying me down. I don't even remember you telling me to stay. Or even asking me to stay. No. In fact, I remember you asking me to leave. 'Go be a doctor Scully. Go be a doctor while you still can.' Turn back now or the ghosties will get you. Because I'm a dangerous man. Guilty by association." She held up a hand, effectively halting me again. "Do you think I don't know that was for my own good? I do. I know. My own good? Huh. Look where that's gotten me. A fucking frustrated ice queen. Don't think I don't know the rumors circulating in the bureau. I do. I know. My own good? It was for my own good, the good of the X-Files I didn't fuck you on that desk like I wanted to an infinite number of times." She heard me suck my breath through my teeth and I could see the glint of her teeth in the fading evening light. She came and crouched between my legs. "Mulder I am sick of not doing what I've wanted to for my own good. Because I don't know. I don't know if this is my last day. If this is my last chance. Mulder. Please. Make love to me now."
I practically fainted at hearing the words I've dreamed of, but then I thought-for once. I shook my head. "No. No. Not like this. This is...this is out of desperation. This isn't right." My eyes were wide as I tried desperately to get her to see.
"Mulder, I don't care if it's pity. I don't care if you're repulsed by me. I want this. Have wanted this. Please. A final request?"
I stroked her cheek. "Scully, you know it wouldn't be pity."
"No Mulder. I don't know a goddamn thing. We don't say anything except half-confessions, hidden meanings, and puny high-schooler double entendres. I know nothing. I feel everything but don't show anything. Please Mulder."
With a sigh of resignation I gave her my hand and let her lead me into the bedroom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Scully." I shudder as I pour myself into her. She's been waiting for me to join her in the stars for a few moments.
"I hate myself. I hate you. I hate the both of us for our fear. Damn us for waiting. Now look. Look at how much time we have left like this," she whispers. She's crying again. Crying and laughing at the same time.
My arms are suddenly tapioca and I collapse onto her.
I realize I must be crushing her and try to move.
"No," she murmurs and wraps her arms around my neck.
"I'm crushing you."
She laughs softly, "It's a good kind of crushing."
"I'm hurting you."
"That you aren't. I'm not porcelain. I'm not going to break. I'm okay...I'll be okay."
It doesn't take a brain-surgeon to realize she's talking about more than the here and now. "How do you know?"
She gives me an ethereal smile and kisses me deeply, "I don't."
I sigh, "I'm afraid. I'm so afraid," I whisper into her neck.
"Hush you. Please. Don't be afraid. Worst possibility? I die," she's silent for a while and then speaks again. Simply, but the words have such infinite meaning, "I'll wait for you. I'll wait and then we'll be together again."
"You won't have to wait for long." I'm convinced about this.
"No. No Mulder. You have our quest to continue. Promise me you won't."
I sigh again. "It's just...it's so futile. So useless. I scurry around looking for something that's not there. A sister who can't be found. A truth that scares the shit out of me. A truth I've realized the people don't want to know. They'd rather live their happy little lives with their heads buried in the sand rather than know it was all going to end tomorrow. And the reward for all that? Everyone I love gets hurt or abducted, I have no life, and I'll have no you," I look into her eyes, "you make it worthwhile. You. I don't want to fight the future. I just want a happy present. A present with you in it."
She shakes her head vehemently. "No. I refuse to believe that all this has been futile. That us, my abduction, my cancer, finding and losing Emily has all been pointless. It's hard to see but it's there."
"What's the point then?"
She thinks for a second and then laughs gently. "You know, I have no idea."
We lay silently for a moment.
"Second possibility? I'm abducted. Maybe for a long time," she pauses and then laughs, "anything you want me to say to Samantha for you?"
I don't know why this is so hard. I'm in her for heaven's sake. "Tell her she's meeting the woman I've loved forever and will love even longer."
She smiles and kisses me. "I love you too. Maybe that's the point. Maybe that makes it worthwhile."
"I think so. Oh, and ask her where she hid the baseball that I got autographed by the Yankees when I was 10. I really am curious about that."
Scully laughs. I'm glad. I accomplished my purpose. Yeah, it was a joke. If Sam really had hidden an autographed ball, I would have made my own U.F.O. to ask here where it was.
I roll onto my side, spooning her with my body, my arm lying heavy on her stomach. I see her eyes start to slide shut and feel that mine are tempted to do the same.
Suddenly her eyelids snap open and the sharp icicle blue of her eyes pierce me to the core.
"You never promised."
I look at her silently and shake my head.
"You have to promise you won't...won't...." Her voice trails off. She can't even vocalize what I've decided on.
"Scully I can't. I'm sorry."
"Mulder. You have to. Promise me now." Her voice is getting angry.
I sigh and cross my fingers behind my back. "I promise."
She reaches down and grabs my hand. Her perfect forehead wrinkles into a frown when she feels my telltale fingers. "Mulder-"
"You know, I just realized that I've never ever lied to you before that. Pretty good huh?"
Her frown deepens and she squeezes my hand. Oh well, I didn't really expect that to change the subject anyway.
"I really don't need to promise. I'll stay awake and keep you here. I won't let them take you."
She sighs deeply. "And then what? You'll never sleep again? You'll watch me forever? Never let me out of your sight? And what if this causes me to get cancer? Would you rather sit by my bedside and watch me waste away? No Mulder. No. It would be torture waiting for the day, knowing it was coming, knowing it was inevitable." She kisses my neck. "It'll be okay. I'll be okay. You'll finish the quest and then we'll be together. Sleep Mulder. Sleep. I want us to sleep together. I want you to have this to remember once I'm gone."
I start to choke up. How could she ever think that I won't remember every word? Every look? Every touch? A lifetime worth of memories. "I'll remember everything. I'll never ever forget."
"Mulder...."
"Fox. Please. Fox."
She grins at me like I plopped the world on the palm of her hand and I realize I just gave her a better gift than an infinite number of chips.
"I love you Fox."
The last thing I remember of her is hearing her say this. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I watch her for hours before I allow myself to fall asleep the happiest I've ever been.